Monday, April 7, 2008

Week 37, Day 5

Slept 12 hours last night... well, sort of. That doesn't count the million times I woke up to flip over because my hips hurt, adjust all of the pillows that are now necessary, throw off the blanket when I get too hot, find the blanket when I get too cold, and three bathroom visits.

I don't want to be one of those pregnant women who is just begging for the end (and then once the baby is here begging for even a momentary reprieve), but I'm afraid I'll get there soon. Every little annoyance seems to feel much bigger than it is, and it's getting much more difficult to focus. All common pregnancy stuff, I'm sure. Or at least that's what I hear from the seasoned moms at work. There are a couple who have absolutely no sympathy and if you try to put a positive spin on how things are going, they make sure to bring you right back to "reality." I'm positive I don't need any help with reality right now. Delusional-land is a somewhat happier place to be.

Have you ever not really thought about something very seriously until someone tells you it's serious? For example: When I was 25 I had a spot of skin cancer removed, and I pretty much just accepted it. I really wasn't too worried about it. Then someone had a "Wow, that's really scary! Aren't you freaked out?" kind of reaction. At that point I actually thought through it, and suddenly I WAS scared. I would have been perfectly content to stay in delusional-land then too. On my drive home from work today I started reflecting on some comments that folks have made lately about the impending labor. And I suddenly I felt scared. It ranks up there with one of the scariest things I think I'll ever have to do. All made a little (a lot) scarier by the fact that you have NO idea when it's going to happen, no idea what to really expect, and you have absolutely NO choice in the matter. It's just gonna happen. The fact that millions of women have gone through it and were just fine doesn't soften the realization or make it any easier to think about it (or not think about it).

Yes, I know I'll be fine. And I know I have tons of great support. But for today, I'd rather that someone else was going to have to do this instead of me.

1 comment:

Lea said...

I would be scared too. I think it IS one of scariest things you'll ever do. But it's also the most meaningful thing you will ever do. I have total faith in you.